Sorry for the radio silence. I’ve been ‘recovering’ from the speech 😉 Naturally, it took a lot of energy. Before, during and after. Especially after. I’ve been tired. So tired! Not much energy for anything other than painting and ceramics. I haven’t even seen my friends for ages!
I’ve also had a slight ‘dip’, which is inevitable (all that positive stress). Feeling a bit low and easily frustrated. When I’m in that kind of mood, I’m not thinking about my blog, I’m thinking about feeling better again. I’m not a depressive person by nature, but I haven’t yet found an effective way out of feeling sad when I feel sad. Waiting for it to ‘blow over’ is difficult, and often I just have to go to sleep and wait till morning – when what I really want to do is find a solution that works! And often when I’m down, everything I normally do without thinking seems insurmountably impossible – so you can imagine how frustrating that is (not being able to write a blog post, do some art, see a friend, or even just go for a walk). It’s just too overwhelming in that moment, and I’m also scared that I’ll ‘associate’ the negative feeling with anything I try to do to get out of the blues … so that thing (whether it’s writing a blog post, doing some art, seeing a friend or going for a walk) will become more challenging in the future, because I’ll have to ‘get over’ the aspect of remembering the negative feeling I had, too. Does that make sense? It seems trivial when I put it into words like that, but it’s something that’s been bothering me for a while! Does anyone else experience this? 🙂
Anyway! What else can I tell you about? Oh yeah … I turned down an opportunity to participate in a TV documentary about voice-hearers. WHAAAAT? I hear you say, but hear me out! I really had to sit down and think about it, and I decided to say no simply because I know how much minor things stress me, and I just didn’t feel ready for that kind of exposure. The format of the program meant that I (and some others) would be followed for several months – and given that it’s taken me this long to recover from a speech, I highly doubt I would be able to be ‘on’ for that long, consistently, in the way I would like. I’m not good ‘on the spot’ – I need preparation and warning, but that doesn’t necessarily work on TV! So, as much as I felt compelled to say yes, I think I’ll stick to communicating my message out in writing – that is my strength, after all – and I’ll just hope they get a good program out of it without me (and my Black Wall of Darkness) 😉
To be honest, I’m really trying to focus on my art and writing – these things are important to me and help me in my recovery. Anything else is something I have to ‘gear myself up’ to do, so, of course, I have to approach it with greater caution.
Apropos … my painting course finishes tomorrow. I’ve attended it for three seasons – with my wonderful Farfar – and thoroughly enjoyed it. Such nice people, and it’s been good for me to get out the house every Wednesday and develop my painting skills in a ‘safe’ environment. But now, I think it’s time to venture down a new path. Last year, I talked about how I’ve been offered the amazing opportunity to work with Maria Rubinke. At the time, I was taken up with my book and everything surrounding it, so we arranged that I would come after all the activity had subsided a bit. I have been at her studio a few times already, and now I look forward to perhaps coming in every week as her protégé and learn how to work in porcelain 🙂 Check out her works – she’s insanely talented!!!
So that’s what’s happening for me right now. I hope you’re all doing okay.